The color gray. By definition, it means somewhere between black and white, with a neutral hue. It can also mean dull and monotonous. Which brings me to Howard Stern. Trust me, read on.
Recently, it has come to my attention that American Idol is considering replacing the marginally beloved Simon Cowell with the very polarizing Howard Stern. This has caused an outrage of such proportions, it is almost unbelievable. The news media has gone wild with reports of talks, contracts, and hundreds of millions of dollars in salary for Howard should he choose to take over where Simon leaves off. People are threatening to boycott the show forever if Stern is hired. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were talking about hiring Hitler. Mind you, all of these reports are pure speculation, as neither Howard nor Fox has confirmed anywhere that the talks are actually occurring. So all of this outrage is based simply on “What if…..”.
It seems that people either love Howard or they despise him. It’s either black…..or white…no gray. There is no in-between. But love him or hate him, it cannot be denied that the man has created one of the most successful radio careers in history. He is not an overnight success story. It took him many years to hone the now famous, or rather, infamous…. show. Much of Howard’s attention in the press centered on the outrageous parts of his show, and if you weren’t fortunate enough to live in the New York or Philadelphia area, all you heard were outtakes. You never got to hear Howard’s show in its entirety. And I think that is where much of the problem with his image lies. People believe what they hear. And if they only hear negative, then that’s what they’re gonna believe.
However, true Howard fans know what he’s all about, and they are willing to shell out the $14.00/month just to hear him for 20 hours per week. His much publicized and highly lucrative deal to make the bold move to Satellite Radio for $500 million, has more than paid for itself in subscription revenues. Why are people willing to pay to hear a man talk on the radio? Could Rush Limbaugh bring as many paying listeners to a new medium? Highly doubtful.
So what is it? What’s the secret? Hundreds of disc jockeys all over the nation have tried to copy his show. And they’ve been quite successful. But once you hear The Howard Stern Show, those other guys (this means you,“Regular Guys”) are a cheap imitation. The palpable difference is that Howard is real. He’s REAL. He’s your crazy brother, your irreverent college pal that you love despite his crassness. He’s the unpopular, pimply faced, forgotten high school student that makes it big. He’s that one guy in the office that men openly admire, and women secretly want. He’s an unruly imp, that these days would be put on Ritalin immediately.
This is a prozac nation, people. We spend millions of dollars a year on psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors. All in the quest to calm ourselves from our inner beasts. Our highs and lows. Drug companies make millions trying to keep us calm with a little pill that quells our frustrations. Quiets the noises inside our heads, ultimately making us “comfortably numb”. So is it any wonder that we will pay to hear some highs and lows? To listen to a roller coaster on the radio? To delight, and even cringe at the man who has dared to say and do things we would never think of doing? Or perhaps he’s saying exactly what we want to say, but are afraid of not being liked. Whatever the reason, millions of people are out there hungering for something. And they’re getting a little of it through Howard Stern.
Howard is well known for the “black and white”. The outrageous, attention getting stunts. His “Lesbian Dial-A-Date”, his “Homeless Game”, his “Porn Star Feud”. Those things make the news, get people interested….or outraged….whichever the case may be. But what has kept Howard on the air for 30 years is not the black and white…..but the gray. The dull, monotonous, neutral hue, that never gets any media attention. The faithful husband and devoted father. The thoughtful uncle and brother. The philanthropist. The loyal boss to the same crew for over 20 years. The caring and devoted son. The best friend. These are qualities that sustain a relationship. The glue that holds together the “Stern Nation”. It is HERE….in between all this black and white, if you look and listen carefully with open hearts and minds….that you will find the most delightful shade of gray.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
I love my Coco.
I’m with Coco. Team Conan. Up with Coco. Just a few of the ways to express my love for Coco….a.k.a. Conan O’Brien. Back in 2004, I couldn’t have been happier when Conan announced that Jay Leno would be leaving The Tonight Show, and he….Conan….would be taking over in 2009. It wasn’t that I cared about The Tonight Show, per se….I was just happy for Coney. But the thing I liked best about it, was that it came on an hour earlier. I might actually be able to watch his show LIVE, instead of DVR-ing it and watching it the next day. This was exciting news for an over-40 year old.
With great anticipation, on June 1, 2009, I watched his first Tonight Show. It was awesome. The beginning of that first show was brilliant…..classic Conan. If it’s on youtube, find it and watch it. You won’t be sorry.
I have not always been an avid watcher of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”. By the time I started watching, Andy Richter was no longer on the show. I never saw that dynamic. So when Andy showed up on The Tonight Show, it was a little awkward….to me. I couldn't figure out why Andy was there, and what exactly he added to the show. I always felt Conan did wonderfully on his own….with a few awkward silences between he and Max Weinberg. Didn’t think he needed anyone else. But I grew to enjoy the chemistry between he and Andy.
What I did not enjoy watching, was Conan’s attempt at what I will refer to as the “dumbing down” of his comedy to appease the long-time older viewing audience of The Tonight Show. Because I was a fan of his, I could see his struggle at trying to balance his brand of humor and keeping the demographics that NBC had attained with the tamer Jay Leno. It was, at times, painful to watch. His beloved “string dance”, and signature jumping spin move at the beginning of each “Late Night” show, was apparently considered too “out there”, and was dropped almost immediately. So were many of his mannerisms and facial expressions, which I had always found to be delightful and endearing. Much of Conan’s humor was considered edgy and sarcastic, which many times didn’t translate to this earlier time slot. It was a tweaking process that needed time to work.
The BIGGEST problem with Conan’s transition to The Tonight Show, however, was the horrible NBC prime time lead-ins…. The biggest offender was The Jay Leno Show, which aired at 10PM each night. That show was so horrible it cannot be thoroughly described here. Many NBC affiliates were threatening to drop the Jay Leno Show, because it was absolutely KILLING their local news ratings, and more importantly, their revenues. All of this was bad news for Conan. When Jay Leno took over The Tonight Show, back in 1993, it took him 2 years …. 2 years… to beat David Letterman in the ratings. That’s right…even with “Must-See TV” as a lead-in, Jay could not beat Letterman. And had he not wrangled the newly scandalized Hugh Grant as a guest, I don’t believe he would’ve ever beaten Dave.
I feel Conan wasn’t given a chance. Without knowing specifics, it looks to me like NBC is treating a loyal employee for at least 17 years, with no respect whatsoever. And Conan’s lawyer should, at the very least, be admonished for making the colossal blunder of not specifying the time slot of The Tonight Show in his contract. Unfortunately, this is a learning experience for Conan. But he has weathered other storms during his career. In the beginning of Late Night, his contract was basically renewed on a weekly basis pending the ratings. He survived that, and he will go on to survive this. He’s a brilliant guy. A gifted writer and comedian. And if his contract is honored, he’ll have 40 million reasons to sit back and watch Jay Leno choke on his own greediness as The Tonight Show franchise implodes in lame-ass, milk toast humor. As much as Jay wanted to be Johnny Carson, he will soon realize that he is and always will be …just Jay Leno. An above average strip club comic who traded integrity for a fleet of classic antique cars he will never drive.
Kevin Reilly, this is your wake up call. You need to grab Conan, and ride that red curly wave into Late Night talk show history. Just do it.
With great anticipation, on June 1, 2009, I watched his first Tonight Show. It was awesome. The beginning of that first show was brilliant…..classic Conan. If it’s on youtube, find it and watch it. You won’t be sorry.
I have not always been an avid watcher of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”. By the time I started watching, Andy Richter was no longer on the show. I never saw that dynamic. So when Andy showed up on The Tonight Show, it was a little awkward….to me. I couldn't figure out why Andy was there, and what exactly he added to the show. I always felt Conan did wonderfully on his own….with a few awkward silences between he and Max Weinberg. Didn’t think he needed anyone else. But I grew to enjoy the chemistry between he and Andy.
What I did not enjoy watching, was Conan’s attempt at what I will refer to as the “dumbing down” of his comedy to appease the long-time older viewing audience of The Tonight Show. Because I was a fan of his, I could see his struggle at trying to balance his brand of humor and keeping the demographics that NBC had attained with the tamer Jay Leno. It was, at times, painful to watch. His beloved “string dance”, and signature jumping spin move at the beginning of each “Late Night” show, was apparently considered too “out there”, and was dropped almost immediately. So were many of his mannerisms and facial expressions, which I had always found to be delightful and endearing. Much of Conan’s humor was considered edgy and sarcastic, which many times didn’t translate to this earlier time slot. It was a tweaking process that needed time to work.
The BIGGEST problem with Conan’s transition to The Tonight Show, however, was the horrible NBC prime time lead-ins…. The biggest offender was The Jay Leno Show, which aired at 10PM each night. That show was so horrible it cannot be thoroughly described here. Many NBC affiliates were threatening to drop the Jay Leno Show, because it was absolutely KILLING their local news ratings, and more importantly, their revenues. All of this was bad news for Conan. When Jay Leno took over The Tonight Show, back in 1993, it took him 2 years …. 2 years… to beat David Letterman in the ratings. That’s right…even with “Must-See TV” as a lead-in, Jay could not beat Letterman. And had he not wrangled the newly scandalized Hugh Grant as a guest, I don’t believe he would’ve ever beaten Dave.
I feel Conan wasn’t given a chance. Without knowing specifics, it looks to me like NBC is treating a loyal employee for at least 17 years, with no respect whatsoever. And Conan’s lawyer should, at the very least, be admonished for making the colossal blunder of not specifying the time slot of The Tonight Show in his contract. Unfortunately, this is a learning experience for Conan. But he has weathered other storms during his career. In the beginning of Late Night, his contract was basically renewed on a weekly basis pending the ratings. He survived that, and he will go on to survive this. He’s a brilliant guy. A gifted writer and comedian. And if his contract is honored, he’ll have 40 million reasons to sit back and watch Jay Leno choke on his own greediness as The Tonight Show franchise implodes in lame-ass, milk toast humor. As much as Jay wanted to be Johnny Carson, he will soon realize that he is and always will be …just Jay Leno. An above average strip club comic who traded integrity for a fleet of classic antique cars he will never drive.
Kevin Reilly, this is your wake up call. You need to grab Conan, and ride that red curly wave into Late Night talk show history. Just do it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
It's going to snow, said Quinton the crow.
January 12, 1982.
Today, I went to class like every other day. Which basically means that I went to one class, and skipped the others. As I was walking back from the one class that I DID attend, it started to snow. I love snow. And anyone who is a Georgia native knows that at just the inkling of snow.....everything shuts down. Today was no different. I headed to the dorm, where all my friends were getting on all their winter "gear" to go out in the snow. I went down to my boyfriend's hall below mine (where I basically lived, much to the chagrin of all the guys down there), and gathered with them. We all had on our best winter stuff. One guy had on some black shiny dress boots with heels. It was his birthday. So, armored with our coats, hats, gloves, and one last shot of alcohol.....we headed out into the snow. I was completely unprepared for the outdoor scenery. And I'm not talking about the weather. To the delight of everyone, there were at least 300 students lined up on both sides of the street next to our dorm. Going down the middle of this street were a multitude of things.... shower curtain liners, dining hall trays, and even a canoe.....all filled with inebriated Dawg fans. Does it get any better than that? A police car attempted to go down this street, but was swarmed by kids who tried to turn the car over. Luckily for them, they did not succeed. But this poor policeman just gave up and kept on driving. My boyfriend was from Illinois, so he was quite well equipped to walk up the hill with aplomb... those of us from the South were not so lucky. The birthday boy with his black boots kept falling and sliding everywhere. I ended up losing my keys in the snow, only to find them later in a Snowjam miracle. And one of the greatest feats of the day occurred when our friend Ronnie Miles fell flat on his back, hands in pockets, but still managed to continue to smoke his cigarette. This was very cool indeed. And this was how college kids celebrated snow.
About 50 miles away, my dad was coming home from work in his van. He had gotten off work early that day, and was hoping to make it home in time to go to the store to stock up on essentials.... He got about 3 miles from home, and traffic came to a stand still. No one could go up the hill. Finally, some kids came out of a nearby apartment complex, and started pushing cars....my dad was one of the first ones to get pushed. He was worried about my mom, and was hoping she was able to get home. As he was pulling in the driveway, he noticed a light on inside, and was very relieved. As he walked through the door, he saw a fire going in the fireplace, and smelled my mom's great cooking. She, too, had gotten home from work early, and had already gone to the store, and had everything ready when he got there. Not quite as exciting as my college experience, but very heartwarming, just the same. And if I had to guess, I bet this was one of their favorite days together.
January 7, 2010
Today, they're talking about snow. I love snow. I just love what it can do for the soul. Just the mention of snow can make a bad day good. It can give you hope. Hope for a fun day and a fun night. That's what it did for me today. I went to the grocery store, and bought a bunch of fun stuff. The store was bustling with other people who were doing the same. Everyone was in a good mood. That same 20 degree temperature that was a pain in the butt yesterday, was delightfully invigorating....even refreshing coming out of the grocery store with all my "fun stuff". I came home and cooked a wonderful dinner, and turned on the Christmas lights that I still have not taken down. I KNEW there was gonna be a good reason to keep those darn things up. My sweet husband cleaned up the kitchen. Football is on TV (roll tide); my daughter is upstairs playing the guitar, and I'm sitting here still filled with hope. The snow is falling. It's even sticking to the ground. It's beautiful. And I'm warm. And happy. With quiet anticipation, I patiently watch for the sweetest words in the English language.........Gwinnett County Schools Closed Tomorrow.
Today is a good day.
Today, I went to class like every other day. Which basically means that I went to one class, and skipped the others. As I was walking back from the one class that I DID attend, it started to snow. I love snow. And anyone who is a Georgia native knows that at just the inkling of snow.....everything shuts down. Today was no different. I headed to the dorm, where all my friends were getting on all their winter "gear" to go out in the snow. I went down to my boyfriend's hall below mine (where I basically lived, much to the chagrin of all the guys down there), and gathered with them. We all had on our best winter stuff. One guy had on some black shiny dress boots with heels. It was his birthday. So, armored with our coats, hats, gloves, and one last shot of alcohol.....we headed out into the snow. I was completely unprepared for the outdoor scenery. And I'm not talking about the weather. To the delight of everyone, there were at least 300 students lined up on both sides of the street next to our dorm. Going down the middle of this street were a multitude of things.... shower curtain liners, dining hall trays, and even a canoe.....all filled with inebriated Dawg fans. Does it get any better than that? A police car attempted to go down this street, but was swarmed by kids who tried to turn the car over. Luckily for them, they did not succeed. But this poor policeman just gave up and kept on driving. My boyfriend was from Illinois, so he was quite well equipped to walk up the hill with aplomb... those of us from the South were not so lucky. The birthday boy with his black boots kept falling and sliding everywhere. I ended up losing my keys in the snow, only to find them later in a Snowjam miracle. And one of the greatest feats of the day occurred when our friend Ronnie Miles fell flat on his back, hands in pockets, but still managed to continue to smoke his cigarette. This was very cool indeed. And this was how college kids celebrated snow.
About 50 miles away, my dad was coming home from work in his van. He had gotten off work early that day, and was hoping to make it home in time to go to the store to stock up on essentials.... He got about 3 miles from home, and traffic came to a stand still. No one could go up the hill. Finally, some kids came out of a nearby apartment complex, and started pushing cars....my dad was one of the first ones to get pushed. He was worried about my mom, and was hoping she was able to get home. As he was pulling in the driveway, he noticed a light on inside, and was very relieved. As he walked through the door, he saw a fire going in the fireplace, and smelled my mom's great cooking. She, too, had gotten home from work early, and had already gone to the store, and had everything ready when he got there. Not quite as exciting as my college experience, but very heartwarming, just the same. And if I had to guess, I bet this was one of their favorite days together.
January 7, 2010
Today, they're talking about snow. I love snow. I just love what it can do for the soul. Just the mention of snow can make a bad day good. It can give you hope. Hope for a fun day and a fun night. That's what it did for me today. I went to the grocery store, and bought a bunch of fun stuff. The store was bustling with other people who were doing the same. Everyone was in a good mood. That same 20 degree temperature that was a pain in the butt yesterday, was delightfully invigorating....even refreshing coming out of the grocery store with all my "fun stuff". I came home and cooked a wonderful dinner, and turned on the Christmas lights that I still have not taken down. I KNEW there was gonna be a good reason to keep those darn things up. My sweet husband cleaned up the kitchen. Football is on TV (roll tide); my daughter is upstairs playing the guitar, and I'm sitting here still filled with hope. The snow is falling. It's even sticking to the ground. It's beautiful. And I'm warm. And happy. With quiet anticipation, I patiently watch for the sweetest words in the English language.........Gwinnett County Schools Closed Tomorrow.
Today is a good day.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
And the answer is?
So, today I'm feeling blah. As I sit here, my house is filthy, Christmas decorations are still up....all of them, including the ones that I don't necessarily like. So there's guilt #1. Yet, I continue to sit here. I think today we will probably take down the stuff on the outside of the house. The stuff people can SEE. That way, unless someone looks really closely, we look like we're on the ball....doing the right thing......keeping up appearances. That's important, you know.... appearances. Ugh.
Which leads me to my next bit of guilt for today. Today is Sunday. I'm not in church, nor have I been today. In fact, we haven't been regularly in a long, long time. And I really like church. I was raised in a church.....we were there every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, choir practice.....and any other function on a weekly basis at my church. Then, as a teen....we slowed down....and eventually pretty much stopped. I would like to start going again regularly. I have been saying this for years. Then, Sunday morning comes, and I don't want to get up. I'm tired. My husband travels, and is always home on Sundays, so I say this is the reason. He's tired....he's been traveling.....let's rest today. But what's the real reason? I would say it comes down to laziness. Which brings me back to paragraph 1, and the Christmas decorations still being up. Pure laziness. Can you go to hell for laziness? I hope not.
And then, there's another piece of guilt. It's huge, and it encompasses a lot of my emotional time and thoughts. Not the "guilt" part, but the problem in general. My biggest and most heavy problem in my life (when I allow it to creep in) is my relationship or lack thereof with my "dad". My parents divorced when I was 13. A horrible time to go through a divorce, though I'm not sure there is EVER a GOOD time. Me and my "dad" were never really close. But the divorce made us even less so. I can remember sitting in the kitchen prior to my parents splitting up.....we were all there....and my mom said... as a general question to me and my dad...."how will you feel if we get divorced"? And my answer.....as well as my "dad's".....was....."It doesn't matter....I don't care". And I didn't. My day-to-day life didn't change one bit after their divorce. It was always me and my mom, and that's the way it stayed. Sad to think back, though, that 2 out of the 3 people in a family "didn't care" if they split up.
So, for the next 5 years, I saw my dad very sporadically, and the only time I did see him was when he would be going to my grandmother's house to eat, or for Christmas. He started dating right away after the divorce. How did I find this out? One day when he was picking me up to go to my grandmother's for one of our "family" get-togethers.....we took a detour and pulled up at a strange house that I had never seen. Not a word was said, but a woman came out, and got in the car. Of course I had to get in the backseat to let this woman sit up-front with my dad. I had no idea who she was. But apparently, she was someone who knew my dad, because she kept holding his hand. Every once in awhile, she would turn around and say something lame like "you have great skin, just like one of my daughter's". Whatever. She was a liar; I had terrible skin. She was now untrustworthy.
My dad never explained who this was. She was just "a lady" that he was seeing. And then, out of nowhere, the very next Christmas, my "dad" and his "lady" decided that I could no longer go to my grandmother's on Christmas and open my gifts like every other year. No....I was now expected to go to the "lady's" house and open my gifts there. Well, I was having none of it. I sat there, never spoke a word, opened my gifts, and then announced I would like to be taken home. And I was taken home. And that was probably the last Christmas that was really spent with my dad.....and that was age 15. After that, I refused to have anything to do with "their" get togethers. Fast forward 30 years. I'm still not going to their get togethers. I never went when I was single; I think me and my husband may have gone ONCE after we got married, and when I had my daughter, we went one time in 18 years. ----Oh, there is a lot of history, trust me. The 13- year old girl tried to give the "lady" a chance. I attempted to be nice to her. But she would do crazy things, like call our house (me and my mom's house) and ask to speak to my dad (if he was visiting for any reason)....Another time, when I had a serious operation at age 15, she called my hospital room the day of the surgery.....asked to speak to my dad.....then hung up when he answered. She was a crazy woman, and she still is. Lots and lots of history and proof that she's crazy. But I digress.....I'm talking about my dad here. Where was HE when all this history was taking place? Oh, he was building his antique cars, buying other people's kids cookies, giving boys from church his pocket knife, and enjoying his "new" family.
In the 31 years since my parents divorced, my dad has remembered my birthday about 8 times. He has remembered my daughter's birthday.....never. Maybe one time, when she was 1. Maybe. He has hardly ever sent her a Christmas present. He, himself, has NEVER called to invite us over, or to try and see Katie at all. He has always had this "lady" do it, and I have always refused. I told him many times that I never wanted to talk to her on the phone, that if he wanted to talk to me or Katie, that I wanted HIM to call......not HER. But it really never happened. Until this year. My dad has diabetes. He has had it for about 35 years or so. He has never taken care of himself. Just last year, he had one leg removed. This year, his other one will be removed. In August, he told me he wanted to see my daughter "before he died". This was a strange phone call to receive. I told him ok..... But then, things got hectic, and before I knew it, it was time for school. The day before school started, his wife called and just told me she was bringing my dad to see us the next day. I said "no". My kid had a huge project that was due the first day of school, and she hadn't even started it. She had 1 day to do it. It was the worst time ever for a visitor. I would've told the Pope he couldn't come that day either. -----so here I sit. I have talked to my "dad" about 3 or 4 times since August. His health is terrible. He's been inconsiderate, to say the least, over the past 35 years. The emotional pain he has inflicted upon me because of being ignored by him, is immeasurable. It tortures me to this day. Why doesn't my own father care enough about me to be a part of my life? Why has he not even bothered to get to know his only grandchild? And WHY, OH WHY do I feel guilty about not going to see him in the hospital? Why can't I let this go?
They say a parent's job is never done. Who knew my dad's job was emotional torture? He seemed like a nice enough guy. Perhaps I need to seek counsel for this problem. How many counseling sessions would one have to attend to find out why a father would not love his child? How much money would it cost me to find out? OH, where is that tootsie pop owl when you need him? He could figure it out, I'm sure.
Which leads me to my next bit of guilt for today. Today is Sunday. I'm not in church, nor have I been today. In fact, we haven't been regularly in a long, long time. And I really like church. I was raised in a church.....we were there every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, choir practice.....and any other function on a weekly basis at my church. Then, as a teen....we slowed down....and eventually pretty much stopped. I would like to start going again regularly. I have been saying this for years. Then, Sunday morning comes, and I don't want to get up. I'm tired. My husband travels, and is always home on Sundays, so I say this is the reason. He's tired....he's been traveling.....let's rest today. But what's the real reason? I would say it comes down to laziness. Which brings me back to paragraph 1, and the Christmas decorations still being up. Pure laziness. Can you go to hell for laziness? I hope not.
And then, there's another piece of guilt. It's huge, and it encompasses a lot of my emotional time and thoughts. Not the "guilt" part, but the problem in general. My biggest and most heavy problem in my life (when I allow it to creep in) is my relationship or lack thereof with my "dad". My parents divorced when I was 13. A horrible time to go through a divorce, though I'm not sure there is EVER a GOOD time. Me and my "dad" were never really close. But the divorce made us even less so. I can remember sitting in the kitchen prior to my parents splitting up.....we were all there....and my mom said... as a general question to me and my dad...."how will you feel if we get divorced"? And my answer.....as well as my "dad's".....was....."It doesn't matter....I don't care". And I didn't. My day-to-day life didn't change one bit after their divorce. It was always me and my mom, and that's the way it stayed. Sad to think back, though, that 2 out of the 3 people in a family "didn't care" if they split up.
So, for the next 5 years, I saw my dad very sporadically, and the only time I did see him was when he would be going to my grandmother's house to eat, or for Christmas. He started dating right away after the divorce. How did I find this out? One day when he was picking me up to go to my grandmother's for one of our "family" get-togethers.....we took a detour and pulled up at a strange house that I had never seen. Not a word was said, but a woman came out, and got in the car. Of course I had to get in the backseat to let this woman sit up-front with my dad. I had no idea who she was. But apparently, she was someone who knew my dad, because she kept holding his hand. Every once in awhile, she would turn around and say something lame like "you have great skin, just like one of my daughter's". Whatever. She was a liar; I had terrible skin. She was now untrustworthy.
My dad never explained who this was. She was just "a lady" that he was seeing. And then, out of nowhere, the very next Christmas, my "dad" and his "lady" decided that I could no longer go to my grandmother's on Christmas and open my gifts like every other year. No....I was now expected to go to the "lady's" house and open my gifts there. Well, I was having none of it. I sat there, never spoke a word, opened my gifts, and then announced I would like to be taken home. And I was taken home. And that was probably the last Christmas that was really spent with my dad.....and that was age 15. After that, I refused to have anything to do with "their" get togethers. Fast forward 30 years. I'm still not going to their get togethers. I never went when I was single; I think me and my husband may have gone ONCE after we got married, and when I had my daughter, we went one time in 18 years. ----Oh, there is a lot of history, trust me. The 13- year old girl tried to give the "lady" a chance. I attempted to be nice to her. But she would do crazy things, like call our house (me and my mom's house) and ask to speak to my dad (if he was visiting for any reason)....Another time, when I had a serious operation at age 15, she called my hospital room the day of the surgery.....asked to speak to my dad.....then hung up when he answered. She was a crazy woman, and she still is. Lots and lots of history and proof that she's crazy. But I digress.....I'm talking about my dad here. Where was HE when all this history was taking place? Oh, he was building his antique cars, buying other people's kids cookies, giving boys from church his pocket knife, and enjoying his "new" family.
In the 31 years since my parents divorced, my dad has remembered my birthday about 8 times. He has remembered my daughter's birthday.....never. Maybe one time, when she was 1. Maybe. He has hardly ever sent her a Christmas present. He, himself, has NEVER called to invite us over, or to try and see Katie at all. He has always had this "lady" do it, and I have always refused. I told him many times that I never wanted to talk to her on the phone, that if he wanted to talk to me or Katie, that I wanted HIM to call......not HER. But it really never happened. Until this year. My dad has diabetes. He has had it for about 35 years or so. He has never taken care of himself. Just last year, he had one leg removed. This year, his other one will be removed. In August, he told me he wanted to see my daughter "before he died". This was a strange phone call to receive. I told him ok..... But then, things got hectic, and before I knew it, it was time for school. The day before school started, his wife called and just told me she was bringing my dad to see us the next day. I said "no". My kid had a huge project that was due the first day of school, and she hadn't even started it. She had 1 day to do it. It was the worst time ever for a visitor. I would've told the Pope he couldn't come that day either. -----so here I sit. I have talked to my "dad" about 3 or 4 times since August. His health is terrible. He's been inconsiderate, to say the least, over the past 35 years. The emotional pain he has inflicted upon me because of being ignored by him, is immeasurable. It tortures me to this day. Why doesn't my own father care enough about me to be a part of my life? Why has he not even bothered to get to know his only grandchild? And WHY, OH WHY do I feel guilty about not going to see him in the hospital? Why can't I let this go?
They say a parent's job is never done. Who knew my dad's job was emotional torture? He seemed like a nice enough guy. Perhaps I need to seek counsel for this problem. How many counseling sessions would one have to attend to find out why a father would not love his child? How much money would it cost me to find out? OH, where is that tootsie pop owl when you need him? He could figure it out, I'm sure.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010...a whole new something.
Well, so it's 2010. NOW what? Somehow, I have made it through another year. Where did it go? What did I accomplish? I find it rather disappointing that I accomplished nothing in 2009. Well, I say nothing. Actually, what I did was....I was emotionally supportive of my husband and my daughter. That's what I did.
This year will be different. I'm optimistic. Let's re-phrase. I'm TRYING to be optimistic. Katie will be leaving her normal life in August to start a totally new and exciting life in college. How exciting for her. I'm very optimistic about that. What will I do when she's gone? There are only so many "Thirtysomething" seasons I can watch. In fact, currently, there's only one. So THEN what will I do? Several scenarios present themselves:
1. I will go to work. I will get paid. Not enough, I'm sure. I will buy some clothing. I will meet some new people, and maybe like them. I will go out to lunch with some of them. I will text Katie at lunch to see how she is doing. I will pay bills. I will have an excuse not to cook dinner every night. I will start going to bed at 10PM, because I will need my sleep. I will be too busy to keep up with friends.
2. I will NOT go to work. I will stay home. I will say I'm going to go out of town with Kevin. I will say it, but never do it. I will stare into space and check facebook. I will play Bejeweled Blitz. I will eat a lot of fast food. I will get even fatter. I may become depressed. I will listen to lots of Howard Stern. I will DVR many shows. I will text Katie to see what she's doing. I will hope she is having fun. I will be too busy to keep up with friends.
3. I will NOT go to work. I will get on a health kick. I will start exercising. I will eat healthy foods. I will tell everyone they should do it, too. I will text Katie and tell her she should eat healthy like me, and she would feel great. I will lose weight. I will buy new, smaller size clothing. I will think I look OK. I will still be the same me, only smaller. I will be disillusioned. I will be too busy to keep up with friends.
There's a trend here. I'm too busy to keep up with friends. Why is that? What do I do that's so pressing? I don't know. I will try and figure this out in 2010.
Will I continue this blogspot? I don't know. Let's see how cathartic it is.
This year will be different. I'm optimistic. Let's re-phrase. I'm TRYING to be optimistic. Katie will be leaving her normal life in August to start a totally new and exciting life in college. How exciting for her. I'm very optimistic about that. What will I do when she's gone? There are only so many "Thirtysomething" seasons I can watch. In fact, currently, there's only one. So THEN what will I do? Several scenarios present themselves:
1. I will go to work. I will get paid. Not enough, I'm sure. I will buy some clothing. I will meet some new people, and maybe like them. I will go out to lunch with some of them. I will text Katie at lunch to see how she is doing. I will pay bills. I will have an excuse not to cook dinner every night. I will start going to bed at 10PM, because I will need my sleep. I will be too busy to keep up with friends.
2. I will NOT go to work. I will stay home. I will say I'm going to go out of town with Kevin. I will say it, but never do it. I will stare into space and check facebook. I will play Bejeweled Blitz. I will eat a lot of fast food. I will get even fatter. I may become depressed. I will listen to lots of Howard Stern. I will DVR many shows. I will text Katie to see what she's doing. I will hope she is having fun. I will be too busy to keep up with friends.
3. I will NOT go to work. I will get on a health kick. I will start exercising. I will eat healthy foods. I will tell everyone they should do it, too. I will text Katie and tell her she should eat healthy like me, and she would feel great. I will lose weight. I will buy new, smaller size clothing. I will think I look OK. I will still be the same me, only smaller. I will be disillusioned. I will be too busy to keep up with friends.
There's a trend here. I'm too busy to keep up with friends. Why is that? What do I do that's so pressing? I don't know. I will try and figure this out in 2010.
Will I continue this blogspot? I don't know. Let's see how cathartic it is.
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