Well, here I sit. Again. Ears ringing out of my head. Is it from listening to loud music? Is it from wax buildup? Is it from some mysterious disease or cancer that they just haven't found yet? I suspect it's the latter. Which is probably why I sit here yet again with a glazed look. I'm so tired of just existing. Just keeping the peace. Just making it till tomorrow. For more years than I care to remember, that's been my answer when asked the question... "What are you doing today"? My answer has been.. "Oh, nothing. Just making it through the day". Seriously, that's been my answer. What kind of an answer is that? And why am I still just making it through the day?
I guess it beats NOT making it through the day. But I'm not exactly sure what has happened to me over the years. I feel tired. Just tired of all the BS of regular life. Tired of phone calls. Tired of "things I have to do". It has gotten to the point that I get annoyed when it becomes time for a meal. Because I know that I will have to decide what I and everyone else in my house is going to eat. I dread it each and every day. I don't recall my mother or my grandmother dreading meals. We just ate. It was not this big of a deal. Why is it such a deal now?
My dad is dying. He is in a nursing home/hospice until his death is official. I went to see him on Friday. I had avoided this visit for as long as I could. Finally, he specifically asked to see me, and I relented. I had mentally prepared myself for the worst, but even with all the preparation, it was still very sad. He is in a semi-private room, with another man who is dying of cancer. My dad seemed to recognize me, but had very few words to say. This was not any different than when he was not "sick". But what haunted me the most, was watching the circus-like atmosphere that was going on in his room. His current wife is in charge of his care, and it has never been more apparent to me than on Friday as to why my mom and dad divorced in the first place. The reason is..... he didn't like us, me and my mom. I know this because his wife cares for him in an entirely different way than we would have. Her idea is to be in denial, and to make every day a loud party. My idea is to be quiet and restful and calm. I'm not saying either one is right......they're just different. Very, very different. But to watch what was going on with him....with all the visitors, and the loud talk, and the moving of his bed, and just on and on activity.....it just almost made me ill. I felt so sorry for him. But this is what he chose, so it must be what he likes. I hope it makes his final days enjoyable. I asked about the possibility of getting him a private room. It would cost more every month to get one, but I felt like it would make things more peaceful for him.....and for the poor man next to him. I was told that his wife would rather him be in this semi-private room, because when she's not there, she wants the cancer-ridden man to look out for my dad and call the nurse if anything happens to my dad. God, it's just too much.
And that's when I realized...... I have no control. I am not in control of the situation, so I have to just let it go. I am trying, but I find myself thinking of it night and day. Wondering if anything can be done to make him more comfortable during his last days. But I don't think there is. I think he's had all the good times, all the Varsity chili dogs and all the laughter he's going to have.
There is something that I can do for myself, though. I can get up, wipe the dust off my brain and everything else....and start a new life. Enjoy it. Do things that make me feel good, if I can think of any. Laugh. Act like I'm 20 again. That's what I CAN do. And I WILL do that. SOMEday. I'm sure of it.
But today is not the day.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
In defense of Howard Stern.
The color gray. By definition, it means somewhere between black and white, with a neutral hue. It can also mean dull and monotonous. Which brings me to Howard Stern. Trust me, read on.
Recently, it has come to my attention that American Idol is considering replacing the marginally beloved Simon Cowell with the very polarizing Howard Stern. This has caused an outrage of such proportions, it is almost unbelievable. The news media has gone wild with reports of talks, contracts, and hundreds of millions of dollars in salary for Howard should he choose to take over where Simon leaves off. People are threatening to boycott the show forever if Stern is hired. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were talking about hiring Hitler. Mind you, all of these reports are pure speculation, as neither Howard nor Fox has confirmed anywhere that the talks are actually occurring. So all of this outrage is based simply on “What if…..”.
It seems that people either love Howard or they despise him. It’s either black…..or white…no gray. There is no in-between. But love him or hate him, it cannot be denied that the man has created one of the most successful radio careers in history. He is not an overnight success story. It took him many years to hone the now famous, or rather, infamous…. show. Much of Howard’s attention in the press centered on the outrageous parts of his show, and if you weren’t fortunate enough to live in the New York or Philadelphia area, all you heard were outtakes. You never got to hear Howard’s show in its entirety. And I think that is where much of the problem with his image lies. People believe what they hear. And if they only hear negative, then that’s what they’re gonna believe.
However, true Howard fans know what he’s all about, and they are willing to shell out the $14.00/month just to hear him for 20 hours per week. His much publicized and highly lucrative deal to make the bold move to Satellite Radio for $500 million, has more than paid for itself in subscription revenues. Why are people willing to pay to hear a man talk on the radio? Could Rush Limbaugh bring as many paying listeners to a new medium? Highly doubtful.
So what is it? What’s the secret? Hundreds of disc jockeys all over the nation have tried to copy his show. And they’ve been quite successful. But once you hear The Howard Stern Show, those other guys (this means you,“Regular Guys”) are a cheap imitation. The palpable difference is that Howard is real. He’s REAL. He’s your crazy brother, your irreverent college pal that you love despite his crassness. He’s the unpopular, pimply faced, forgotten high school student that makes it big. He’s that one guy in the office that men openly admire, and women secretly want. He’s an unruly imp, that these days would be put on Ritalin immediately.
This is a prozac nation, people. We spend millions of dollars a year on psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors. All in the quest to calm ourselves from our inner beasts. Our highs and lows. Drug companies make millions trying to keep us calm with a little pill that quells our frustrations. Quiets the noises inside our heads, ultimately making us “comfortably numb”. So is it any wonder that we will pay to hear some highs and lows? To listen to a roller coaster on the radio? To delight, and even cringe at the man who has dared to say and do things we would never think of doing? Or perhaps he’s saying exactly what we want to say, but are afraid of not being liked. Whatever the reason, millions of people are out there hungering for something. And they’re getting a little of it through Howard Stern.
Howard is well known for the “black and white”. The outrageous, attention getting stunts. His “Lesbian Dial-A-Date”, his “Homeless Game”, his “Porn Star Feud”. Those things make the news, get people interested….or outraged….whichever the case may be. But what has kept Howard on the air for 30 years is not the black and white…..but the gray. The dull, monotonous, neutral hue, that never gets any media attention. The faithful husband and devoted father. The thoughtful uncle and brother. The philanthropist. The loyal boss to the same crew for over 20 years. The caring and devoted son. The best friend. These are qualities that sustain a relationship. The glue that holds together the “Stern Nation”. It is HERE….in between all this black and white, if you look and listen carefully with open hearts and minds….that you will find the most delightful shade of gray.
Recently, it has come to my attention that American Idol is considering replacing the marginally beloved Simon Cowell with the very polarizing Howard Stern. This has caused an outrage of such proportions, it is almost unbelievable. The news media has gone wild with reports of talks, contracts, and hundreds of millions of dollars in salary for Howard should he choose to take over where Simon leaves off. People are threatening to boycott the show forever if Stern is hired. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were talking about hiring Hitler. Mind you, all of these reports are pure speculation, as neither Howard nor Fox has confirmed anywhere that the talks are actually occurring. So all of this outrage is based simply on “What if…..”.
It seems that people either love Howard or they despise him. It’s either black…..or white…no gray. There is no in-between. But love him or hate him, it cannot be denied that the man has created one of the most successful radio careers in history. He is not an overnight success story. It took him many years to hone the now famous, or rather, infamous…. show. Much of Howard’s attention in the press centered on the outrageous parts of his show, and if you weren’t fortunate enough to live in the New York or Philadelphia area, all you heard were outtakes. You never got to hear Howard’s show in its entirety. And I think that is where much of the problem with his image lies. People believe what they hear. And if they only hear negative, then that’s what they’re gonna believe.
However, true Howard fans know what he’s all about, and they are willing to shell out the $14.00/month just to hear him for 20 hours per week. His much publicized and highly lucrative deal to make the bold move to Satellite Radio for $500 million, has more than paid for itself in subscription revenues. Why are people willing to pay to hear a man talk on the radio? Could Rush Limbaugh bring as many paying listeners to a new medium? Highly doubtful.
So what is it? What’s the secret? Hundreds of disc jockeys all over the nation have tried to copy his show. And they’ve been quite successful. But once you hear The Howard Stern Show, those other guys (this means you,“Regular Guys”) are a cheap imitation. The palpable difference is that Howard is real. He’s REAL. He’s your crazy brother, your irreverent college pal that you love despite his crassness. He’s the unpopular, pimply faced, forgotten high school student that makes it big. He’s that one guy in the office that men openly admire, and women secretly want. He’s an unruly imp, that these days would be put on Ritalin immediately.
This is a prozac nation, people. We spend millions of dollars a year on psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors. All in the quest to calm ourselves from our inner beasts. Our highs and lows. Drug companies make millions trying to keep us calm with a little pill that quells our frustrations. Quiets the noises inside our heads, ultimately making us “comfortably numb”. So is it any wonder that we will pay to hear some highs and lows? To listen to a roller coaster on the radio? To delight, and even cringe at the man who has dared to say and do things we would never think of doing? Or perhaps he’s saying exactly what we want to say, but are afraid of not being liked. Whatever the reason, millions of people are out there hungering for something. And they’re getting a little of it through Howard Stern.
Howard is well known for the “black and white”. The outrageous, attention getting stunts. His “Lesbian Dial-A-Date”, his “Homeless Game”, his “Porn Star Feud”. Those things make the news, get people interested….or outraged….whichever the case may be. But what has kept Howard on the air for 30 years is not the black and white…..but the gray. The dull, monotonous, neutral hue, that never gets any media attention. The faithful husband and devoted father. The thoughtful uncle and brother. The philanthropist. The loyal boss to the same crew for over 20 years. The caring and devoted son. The best friend. These are qualities that sustain a relationship. The glue that holds together the “Stern Nation”. It is HERE….in between all this black and white, if you look and listen carefully with open hearts and minds….that you will find the most delightful shade of gray.
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